George Clooney’s Satellite Sentinel Project set up to monitor the spiraling violence in Sudan has a stunning report out today with convincing evidence showing “a campaign of systematic mass killing of civilians in Kadugli, South Kordofan” in the south-central area of the country.

- battleland.blogs.time.com

Oh.my.god. Are you reading what I’m reading? Because what I’m reading is saying that George Clooney has a satellite!

You may think I’m being insensitive to Sudan’s increasing violence, but the truth is that it’s hard to be surprised by pictures of dead bodies when you just found out George Clooney has a satellite! There’s nothing surprising about someone discovering dead bodies in Africa, but a Cloonsat on the other hand, whoa…

I mean, not only has he been voted “Sexiest Man Alive” and is dating ridiculously gorgeous women, the man also has the coolest gadget ever. All he needs to do now is move into a hollowed-out mountain and he’ll be a real-life Batman.

Mexico’s federal police says it has arrested El Brad Pitt (real name Marco Antonio Guzman) and two of his alleged accomplices on the the U.S. border state of Chihuahua on Wednesday. El Brad Pitt is accused of looking nothing like Brad Pitt (a crime against beautiful people) and of leading the armed wing of the Juarez drug cartel in northern Mexico.

Sources inside the Juarez cartel say La Angelina Jolie is absolutely devastated by her husband’s capture and that she may have to adopt another Ethiopian boy to help her cope with her loss.

dailymail

A large air spill at a wind farm in the New York area has injured 12 children and sent a woman to the hospital with a fractured skull. “It was like God himself was breaking [wind]” she said. “I’ve never been so terrified in my entire life. There was air everywhere.”

Meanwhile, in other parts of the state, an estimated 54 million birds are said to be covered in air. Indeed, this is disaster of epic proportions.

We’ll have more on this ongoing catastrophe at 9. In the meantime watch the video below, it shows in detail the destructive force of wind farm air spills.

God save us all.

This colorful swimsuit with the image of the Hindu goddess Lakshmi made India’s Hindu activists take to the streets to celebrate its hotness.

The picture below shows a group of Hindu men holding an Australian flag between photos of that fine model to demonstrate that her hotness can make the flag burst into flames.

heraldsun

David Guetta’s record label was in for a rude awakening earlier this week after a bored 6 year old hacker “stole” the artist’s latest single via the studio’s unsecured wi-fi and then released it online.

Speaking to a BBC radio show, Guetta said “It’s really crazy [how little we do to protect our work]. I know it sounds like a [cheap] film [from 1981] but it’s the truth. Usually inside a studio there’s a Wi-Fi connection [that anyone can access] so between the engineer and the artist [and everyone else] we can send tracks to work. They [the hackers] would be outside in a car [waiting to have a crack at our wi-fi password, which is 123456].”

To remedy the security problem, the label hired “a real specialist,” a guy who used to mow the lawn for someone who had a friend whose brother’s uncle’s second cousin’s father was a Pentagon security investigator back in the ’40s.

“Hello señors, I am here to secure things.“

In all seriousness though, if a studio is so poorly managed that its wi-fi connections are unsecured and risk exposing important internal files, it should just put its music on iTunes for free. You know, to make the actions of the hackers redundant.

Luckily for Guetta, the leaked single isn’t too good and so nothing of value was lost.

nme

newsroom.intel